I think I did a good job in limiting the amount of swear words.

i want to be independent.

i just want to live, i’m not sure how long but i’m thinking a very long time, by myself, no parents, no friends, nobody, to tell me what to do, no school, no summer class, nothing to pressure me. i need a break.

with nothing on my shoulders, nothing to worry about, nothing to fuss about, nothing to anticipate for. i just really need to be alone. sort myself out. 

i just keep making goals, plans for myself that i never follow. i always vow to keep going on and strive towards what i want but i fail. miserably. 

why can’t i just live, say a year, without anything. nothing on my hands, nothing at all. that’ll be a relief. that would be heaven. 

i read this article in suicide. it said, “People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.”

anyone out there right now that wants to kill themselves, they should read this article. it may not help everyone but it helped me.i want to kill myself but i don’t want to kill myself. here are the reasons why:

•  i want to kill myself because in a previous post, i wrote that i was a fucked up person. it is so very true. i’m messed up. in many ways. i am not a good person. i am not worthy enough to deserve the gift of life. i’ve done so many bad things. my biggest weakness: procrastination. 

• i want to kill myself because of my mom. she always thinks she’s right. she expects everyone else to agree with her that she’s right and she’s so stubborn. she is not the type of person to say sorry. in fact, she hardly does. she does not know her limit. i know that she knows she’s wrong but she will never EVER admit it. she makes me feel worthless. she takes out her anger on me. she argues way too much with my father (who certainly does not deserve to be treated like that.) the littlest things bother her. i must hold the pencil a certain way. if i hold it like this, IT’S NOT PRETTY. i must eat with both hands on the table. my mother also always jumps to conclusions (i.e: sees me on my phone, yells at me why do i text every single second, sees me on my iPod touch, asks why must i always waste my time on that, playing games) FIRST OF ALL, I WASN’T TEXTING AND EVEN IF YOU HAD A SHRED OF AWARENESS, YOU STILL WOULDN’T KNOW THAT I HARDLY TEXT MY FRIENDS. SECOND, HAVE YOU SEEN ME PLAYING GAMES OTHER THAN THIS TIME? MAYBE ONCE BUT THAT IS ALL. WHEN HAVE YOU SEEN ME ALWAYS PLAYING THE FUCKING GAMES ON MY IPOD. WHEN, MOM, TELL ME FUCKING WHEN. YOU REALLY NEED TO JUST SHUT YOUR FACE AND FOR ONCE LISTEN TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOUR OLDER DAUGHTER BECAUSE YOU WERE NEVER AWARE THAT YOUR OLDER DAUGHTER ALSO FELT WHAT I FEEL NOW BUT WAY WORSE. MY SISTER, YOUR DAUGHTER, ALSO WANTED TO KILL YOURSELF, DID YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT? NO. BECAUSE YOU’RE A BITTER WOMAN. AND THIRD, THOUGH THIS DOESN’T CONCERN ME, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO PICK FIGHTS WITH DAD ABOUT THE LITTLE THINGS? WHY IS HE WEARING THAT SHIRT, WHY DOES HE GO TO THE BATHROOM SO MUCH. GOSH, MOM YOU REALLY REALLY NEED TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN. CALM YO FUCKING TITS. YOU REALLY NEED SOME THERAPY, MAYBE SOMEONE TO INFORM YOU OF YOUR HORRIBLE PARENTING AND TERRIBLE BEHAVIOR WITH YOUR HUSBAND. mom, why can’t you get out of my life.
• i don’t want to kill myself because i have friends. some friends that are there for me. even though i want to kill myself, i still have something worth living for. friends, my sister, my dad, and occasionally my mom.

1.  my friends: there really is no explanation as to why i live because of my friends. it’s pretty self explanatory.
2. my sister: you’re the only one close enough to me that actually knows how i feel about our mother. you’ve felt how i felt but probably not as deep but similar. i’m sorry mom treated you worse. i feel like she treated me worse but i believe that when i wasn’t born or when i was still very young, you got the worst of it. i’m so sorry, sissy. i truly am. you shouldn’t have to feel that way. you’re super intelligent, skinny, attractive, talented (piano), you future isn’t hopeless like mine. i’m sure you’ll be the top pharmist in the whole state or something along those lines. you always looked out for me. although you get mood swings and get angry easily (kind of life mom), i still love you.
3. my dad: daddy, i love you. you are so patient with me. i’m sorry i can be so insensitive and down right mean. i can’t help it. i have a lot of problems and i’m a teenager. i will always love you even when i don’t act like it. please know that. you’re so sweet and you always apologize to me when you know  you hurt me. i love how when we have fights, you will still talk to me, unlike mom. and you comfort sissy and i when we’re having tough times with mom. thank you, daddy. less than three <3

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